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PLAYS FOR FEMALE CHARACTERS ONLY 

15 CENTS EACH 

r 

CRANPORD DAMES. 2 Scenes; 1^ hours 8 

GERTRUDE MASON, M.D. 1 Act; 30 minutes 7 

CHEERFUL COMPANION. 1 Act; 25 minutes 2 

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MAIDENS ALL FORLORN. 3 Acts; 1# hours .. 6 

MURDER WILL OUT. 1 Act; 30 minutes 6 

ROMANCE OF PHYLLIS. 3 Acts; 1J4 hours 4 

SOCIAL ASPIRATIONS. 1 Act; 45 minutes 5 

OUTWITTED. 1 Act; 20 minutes 8 

WHITE DOVE OF ONEIDA. 2 Acts; 45 minutes 4 

SWEET FAMILY. lAct;lhour 8 

BELLES OF BLACKVILLE. 1 Act; 2 hours 80 

PRINCESS KJKU. (35 cents) x ... 13 

RAINBOW KIMONA. (So cents.) 2 Acts; l\& hours 9 

MERRY OLD MAIDS. (St cents.) Motion Song 11 

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J5 CENTS EACH 

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APRIL FOOLS. 1 Act; 30 minutes 8 

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DARKEY WOOD DEALER. 1 Act; 20 minutes 8 

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SLIM JIM* AND THE HOODOO. 1 Act; 30 minutes 5 

WANTED. A CONFIDENTIAL CLERK. 1 Act; 30 minutes 6 

SNOBSON'S STAG PARTY. 1 Act; 1 hour 12 

PICKLES AND TICKLES. 1 Act; 20 minutes 6 

HARVEST STORM. 1 Act; 40 minutes 10 

CASE OF HERR BAR ROOMSKI. Mock Trial; 2 hours.... 28 

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RIDING THE GOAT. Burlesque Initiation; 1 Scene; \% hours 24 

DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N. Y. 



RIDDLES 



A Rural Comedy In Three Acts 



BY H. VAN DEUSEN 



Copyright 1916 by Dick & Fitzgerald 




NEW YORK 

DICK & FITZGERALD 

18 ANN STREET 



RIDDLES/ 



CHARACTERS. 

Jed Jordan A war veteran 

Sam Sharpe, S. S. S A sleuth 

Tom Terry A " Varsity " boy 

Nancy Niver A petticoat farmer 

'Betty Barnes A girl of " snap " 

Rhoda Rood A dispenser of news 

Time. — The present. Location. — Down East. 

Time of Playing. — One and one quarter hours. 

SYNOPSIS. 

Jed Jordan, army veteran, seeks work and is engaged by " A 1 
Petticoat Farmer " otherwise known as Aunt Nancy. The burn- 
ing of the fence rails and how Jed made good; also how he was 
wounded. Sam struck with a " stun " and is taken in as a 
boarder. The investigations of The Spook Mine. Jed suspi- 
cious of Sam's actions ; determines to be on the watch. Is he 
Sam Sharpe or Slippery Sam? Rhoda also is doubtful. Jed 
loads his gun and shoots, but with small results. The mystery 
explained and The Spook Mine a winner. 

COSTUMES. 

Modern and appropriate to characters portrayed. 
'V* INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES. 

Broom, umbrella, rain-coat and tin pail for Betty. Watch 
for Tom. Travelling-bag, G. A. R. button, gun and certificate of 
mine shares for Jed. Sunbonnet for Nancy. Suit-case and busi- 
ness card for Sam. Piece of crockery to be broken off stage. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

As seen by a performer on the stage facing the audience, r., 
means right-hand ; l., left-hand ; c, center of stage, d. r., door at 
right; d. l., door at left; d. r. c, door at right center rear flat. 
Up means toward back of stage ; DO\\|f, towa«d*fbotlights. 

SEP 12 1916 ©CI.D 7 44869 



~Us> { 



RIDDLES. 



ACT I. 



SCENE. — Living-room at Aunt Nancy's. Doors down r., up 
l., and d. r. c. of rear flat. Couch up c. Table c. Piece 
of iron ore and newspapers on table. Chairs and other fur- 
nishings suitable for a living-room in an ordinary farm 
house. DISCOVERED Tom asleep on couch, snoring 
loudly. 

ENTER d. r. Betty, with a broom. 

Betty. My land! Such a treat! A nasal solo by a high 
grade artist. Here ! Wake up, and shut up, before we lose our 
audience. (Shakes Tom) 

Tom (opens his eyes and yawns). Was I asleep? 

Betty. Were you asleep ! Just hear the innocent. Why, you 
were snoring beautifully. 

Tom. Snoring! Me! Not much! I never snore. 'Twas 
groans of weariness you heard. I'm dead tired, you know. 

Betty. Then stop prowling 'round nights like a tramp cat. 
What were you after last night? 

Tom. I didn't catch it to find out. 

Betty. Then it was a spook from Spook Mine. They'll 
catch you, if you don't watch out. 

Tom. I hope they will. Then I'll find out what stuff they're 
made of. 

Betty. Well, if you must sleep you'll have to go somewhere 
else. You can't sleep here. 

Tom. Why not? I'm quite comfortable. 

Betty. Because I have to tidy up this room and you're in 
the way; so get up and move out. (Tom does not move) Do 
you hear? Move, I tell you! (Shakes Tom roughly) 

Tom. Easy! Easy, Miss Snappy. Don't be so strenuous. 
You'll dislocate some of your bones. 

Betty. Will I? Well, it's a wonder they don't break, trying 
to move you. Oh, these men! Deliver me from them — College 
men of all others. 



4 Biddies. 

Tom. Deliver you from them? I guess you mean deliver you 
to them; or some favored one among them. 

Betty. I mean nothing of the kind, Smarty! I have no use 
for the torments. They're all nuisances. 

Tom. No use for them, eh ! 

Poor little gal! 

How sad thy fate, 
Without a man 

To keep you straight; 
To buy you gowns 

And diamond rings J 
And pay your bills 

For other things. 

Betty. Don't you worry, Mr. Rhymer! I can dispense with 
the man with his gowns and rings, and pay my own bills for 
other things. Just tuck that away in your silly head. 

Tom. Young lady, you're dreaming! You need a beau to 
wake you up. I can pick you out a Cracker-Jack. Winkey 
Smith will fill the bill O. K. 

Betty. Who ? 

Tom. Winkey Smith; one of the "Varsity" boys. So-called 
for a talent he has for winking about once every second. He 
can sit and wink at you, if nothing more. 

Betty. How fascinating! But he'll never have a chance to 
exercise his talent on me; and I can pick my own beau when I 
get so foolish as to want one. 

Tom. I'm afraid you'll have poor luck if left to yourself. It 
may be a grab-bag affair and you'll catch on to some old fossil 
who's been left in the bottom of the bag. 

Betty. Well, even that will be better than your luck. You 
won't even catch a fossil. The bag'll be empty in your case. 
But enough of this nonsense! I must get to work. So, out 
with you! Shoo! Scat! or I'll whack you with this broom. 

Tom. I dare you! (Betty strikes Tom with broom. He 
Jumps up; catches hold of broom. They struggle for it. Knock 
at d. r. c. They do not heed it, knock repeated, they pay no at- 
tention but continue to struggle) 

ENTER Jed d. r. c, carrying travelling-bag. Stops at entrance 
to watch the struggle. Tom gets broom, throws it aside 
and grabs Betty, who boxes his ear. 

Betty. Take thai 1 Mr. Impudence. And that! {Boxes his 
other, ear\ 



Riddles. 5 

Jed. Bully for you, gal; them was corkers. Now give him 
another volley on both wings agin; then charge on his center 
and the fight is yours. 

Betty. Well, I like your nerve! Where are your manners? 
Why didn't you knock? 

Jed. Why didn't I knock? Land-O-Liberty, gal ! Why, I did 
knock. But you and your feller was so busy tusslin' thet you 
didn't hear me, I reckon. What was you scrappin' 'bout? 

Tom. It was no scrap, my friend. We were doing stunts in 
athletics, and I was giving the lady a lesson in wrestling. 

Jed. Jess so ! And she was giving you one in boxin' ; and 
she's real handy at 'em too. 

Tom. Why-a-a, yes. She's not bad, I must admit. 

Jed. Waal, it's too bad I've spiled your fun, but I'd like to 
see the boss if he's 'bout. Mebbe you're the feller? 

Tom. Not guilty ! I'm the star boarder. 

Betty. He imagines he's boss at times, though. 

Jed. Jess so! Waal, if he ain't the boss where'll I find him? 

Betty. It's not him on this farm. It's she. My aunt, Mrs. 
Niver, owns the place. 

Jed. Geewilikins! Hev I got to tackle a petticoat farmer for 
a job? 

Betty. You're looking for work, then? What's your name? 

Jed. Jordan, miss; and if you've got a job handy I'm willin* 
to take it. 

Betty. We do need a man very much; but if you want the 
place, you'll have to tackle Aunt Nancy for it. You needn't be 
afraid of her because she wears petticoats. 

Jed. Oh, I ain't skeered, miss; but I'm awful bashful 'bout 
tacklin' wimmen folks. 

Betty. Poor man ! What a dreadful affliction. Here, sit down 
and rest your nerves until Aunt Nancy comes in. {Places chair 
for Jed, who sits) 

Tom. You're a Civil War Veteran, I see. 

Jed. Gosh! How'd you guess it? 

Tom. By that G. A. R. button on your coat. 

Jed. Jess so ! But you can't allers gamble on them things. 
I've known more'n one fraud to wear 'em. Howsumever, I 
come honest by mine. I was in Uncle Abe's scrap with the Rebs 
from start to finish. 

Tom. With what regiment? 

Jed. Seventh Maine. 

Tom. Is that so! My father was Colonel of that Regiment 
until he lost his leg at Gettysburg. 

Jed. You don't tell me! So Colonel Tom Terry is your 



6 Biddies. 

dad. Waal, he's a dad to be proud of, all right. We 
thought a sight of him. He did a real slick thing for me once. 

Tom. What was that? 

Jed. 'Twas down near Fairfax in '61. We was on picket one 
night when 'twas cold 'nough to freeze fust love. I started in 
to make a fire out of an old fence. The boys tried to stop me 
on 'count of your dad's orders thet we wasn't to burn any 
fence rails. " Then we'll burn stakes," sez I. Sol got some 
stakes and started a fire. By and by 'long came the Corporal. 
" See here, boy," sez he ; " don't you know that Colonel Tom 
issued orders 'gainst burnin' fence rails ? " 

" Well, we ain't burnin' rails," sez I, " they're stakes" 

That stumped the Corporal and off he went and told the 
Captain. Down came the Cap. mad as a nest of riled bumble- 
bees and wanted to know what I meant by dis'beyin' orders. 

" Hevn't dis'beyed orders, Captain," sez I, " orders was, not 
to burn fence rails, nothin' was said 'bout stakes" 

Arter scratchin' his head over thet a bit, the Captain trots me 
up to headquarters and reports me to your dad. Arter hearin' 
the Captain, your dad sez to me ; " Waal, Jordan, what have 
you to say to this ? " " Nothin' more'n I said to the Captain," 
sez I, " I didn't burn a single rail, I took nothin' but stakes." 
Waal, your dad just grinned for a minute and then said, " Jor- 
dan, you're a Yankee all right and great at gettin' out of a 
scrape. I guess I'll hev to let you off this time; but hereafter 
when I issue orders I'll see that all pints are covered; and even 
then I'll be willin' to bet a month's pay, that you'll find a hole 
somewhere, big 'nough to crawl through and evade 'em." 

Tom. That's father, all right. He's a strict disciplinarian as 
a rule, but there's an easy side to him, if you know how to 
find it. 

Jed. Waal, I found it thet time, I reckon. 

Tom. You found plenty of hard fighting with the seventh, 
didn't you? 

Jed. Jess so ! There wasn't no picnic 'bout it. 

Betty. Were you ever wounded, Mr. Jordan? 

Jed. No, miss, but I spilled 'bout half a pint of my blood in 
one battle. 

Betty. Without being wounded? How ever could you do 
that? 

Jed. I reckon you might call it an accident. 

Betty. An accident! 

Jed. 'Twas this way, miss. We was chargin' on a Reb. bat- 
tery and goin' lickety-split through a bit of woods. I ketched 
any foot in a root or sunthin', tumbled over a stump, and busted 



Kiddles. 7 

my nose ploughm* up dirt with it You'd a thought a cannon 
ball hed hit it, the way it bled. 

Tom. Couldn't you class that as a wound? 

Jed. Not in army lingo. My nose came mighty nigh gettin' 
reported 'mong the missin', though. 

Tom. But escaped the honor? 

Jed. Jess so! Is your dad still alive? 

Tom. Yes. 

Jed. What's he doin' for a livin'? 

Tom. He's president of the " A. & B. R. R." Company. 

Jed. That's a pretty good job; keeps him in vittles, I reckon. 
What's your name? 

Tom. I'm Tom, Jr. 

Jed. Railroadin' too? 

Tom. Not yet. I'm trying to get through college first. 

Jed. A colleger, eh ! Thet's what I wanted to be when I was 
a youngster. I got tired of the district school the lessons was 
so blamed hard; so I asked dad to send me to college; but he 
cal'lated as I was no good in school I'd be good for nothin' in 
college, so he put me to work on the farm. 

Tom. And so squelched your ambition to shine in college? 

Jed. Jess so! And I hevn't hed the hankerin' since. 

ENTER Nancy d. r. c. 

Nancy (sitting and fanning herself with her sunbonnet). I 
declare ! I'm about tuckered to death. Sich a chase as I've hed. 

Betty. What's the trouble, Aunt Nancy? 

Nancy. Thet pesky cow thet I bought from Cy. Coots broke 
out of the pasture agin and galivanted down the road almost to 
Tim Doolittle's. If thet tow-headed boy of his'n hedn't a headed 
her off, land only knows where she'd a fetched up. I do wish 
I could get a decent man long 'nough to fix up the fences if 
nothin' else. But land! Decent men 'pear to be as scarce as 
hen's teeth. 

Betty. You've got your wish, Aunt Nancy. Here's a man 
who is looking for work. Mr. Jordan, this is Aunt Nancy. 

Jed. Pleased to know you, marm. 

Nancy. So you're arter work, be you? 

Jed. Jess so, marm. You've got a job thet's needin' a man; 
I am a man thet's needin' a job; s'pose you hitch us together and 
see how it'll work. 

Nancy. Waal, I do need a man the wuss way; but I don't 
know 'bout takin' on a teetotal stranger. 

Jed. Thet'll wear off arter you've known me a spell, marm. 



8 Riddles. 

Nancy. Most likely 'twill. Your name's Jordan, you say? 

Jed. Thet's one of 'em, marm. 

Nancy. One of 'em. Land sakes, hev you got more'n one 
name? I hope you ain't one of them alias fellers thet I've read 
'bout with half dozen names stuck onto you? 

Jed. I've got a front name, marm. It's Jedadiah — or Jed, 
when you're in a hurry and hev to talk quick. 

Nancy. Jedadiah Jordan, eh! Be you related to the Jordans 
up in Pontoosic? 

Jed. Not as I knows on; 'less it's in a round-'bout-way, mebbe; 
like a second cousin's sister-in-law's nephew. 

Nancy. What hev you been doin' for a livin'? 

Jed. Trampin' mostly. 

Nancy. A tramp! Then you can just clear out and tramp on. 
I won't hev one of them shiftless critters 'bout me. 

Jed. I ketched the disease in the army, marm; I tramped 
with Uncle Sam's boys in blue from '6l to '65 and it got sich a 
grip on me thet I've tramped more or less ever since. I tramped 
with the reg'lars a spell arter the war, and hev been in all 
kinds of trampin' jobs since then; peddlin', census takin' and the 
like. But I'm no beggin' tramp, marm; I'll work for what I 
eat or go hungry. 

Nancy. So you're an old soldier. Waal, I'll take to you for 
thet; my late husband, Ebenezer, was one. Hevn't you any 
family? 

Jed. No, marm. I'm a homeless orphan and a mittened lover. 

Betty. A mittened lover ! 

Jed. Yes, miss. I was mittened by Jerusha Jane Pepper when 
I was too young to wear whiskers. 

Betty. How could she have been so cruel? 

Jed. I dunno, miss. 'Twasn't my fault; I loved her hard 
'nough; fell in kersplash, the fust time I laid eyes on her. 

Betty. Love at first sight, eh! 

Jed. Jess so! But it didn't work on her side; so I hed to 
scramble out the love pond the best way I could. 

Tom. Why didn't you try another, pop? 

Jed. Not much ! One pair of thet kind of mittens was 'nough 
for me. 

Nancy. Do you know how to farm? 

Jed. I reckon so, marm. I was fotched up, as the darkies 
say, 'tween two hills of corn. But don't you take me for a 
punkin' head on thet 'count. 

Nancy. You don't look it, thet's sartin, so I'm willin' to try 
you a spell. But mind, I won't hev no shirkin' your work. 






Biddies. 9 

tThe last man I hed was a shirk, 'cept at eatin* and sleepin', then 
he'd work overtime. 

Jed. Jess so, marm, they're poor truck to hev in any bizness. 
We hed one in our company once. He was great for blowin', 
but a shirk at doin'. Allers hed a sore toe or sunthin' soon's he 
saw a fight comin'. Never got in one but once and then 'twasn't 
fur 'nough to hurt him. 

Betty. Tell us about it, Mr. Jordan, do ! 

Jed. 'Twas the Antietam fight. Our Captain hed been 
wounded in the South Mountain scrap and this feller, who was 
fust lieutenant, was in command. Just 'fore the ball opened he 
giv us a Fourth of July palaver 'bout standin' by the flag and 
other lingo, and wound up by sayin' ; — " Now, boys, I'm goin' to 
lead you in this fight; all you hev to do is f oiler me." I said to 
Sim Decker, (he was my tent mate) "We'll be safe 'nough to 
foller him; 'twon't be into the ball room thet's sartin." Sure 
'nough; soon's we got where the bullets begun to zip through 
the air, and sing lullaby tunes in our ears, he turned tail and 
Scooted for the rear, follered by some of the boys 'cordin' to 
orders. 

Betty. Did you go? 

Jed. No, miss, I stayed with the second lieutenant and the 
rest of the boys til' the ball was over. 

Tom. What became of your plucky lieutenant? 

Jed. He was so scared thet he got the shakes and he couldn't 
Stop, so he resigned and went back hum. I reckon he joined 
the shakers. 

Nancy. When'll you be ready to start workin', Mr. Jordan? 

Jed. Soon's I, stow away this baggage and git my workin' 
togs on. But don't call me Mr. Jordan; I ain't use to that 
handle. Just call me "Jed". You can say it quicker and I'll 
answer to it just as quick. 

Betty. I'm going to call you Uncle Jed, if you don't mind. 

Jed. Will you! Waal, thet's real slick. It'll make me feel 
kinder related. 

Tom. I'll line up' with Betty, Uncle Jed. 

Nancy. Come with me, Uncle Jed. I'll show you where to 
stow your baggage. [EXIT with Jed d. r. 

Betty. Well, Tom, we have an adopted Uncle. What do you 
think of him ? 

Tom. He's a pill. 

Betty. A pill! Why, Tom Terry, why do you use such an 
expression as that? 

Tom. He's a curative pill. He'll banish the blues and knock 
Dut the dumps with his Yankee humor and war yarns. 



10 Biddies. 

Betty. Indeed he will! He's just jolly. I'm so glacl Aunt 
Nancy has hired him. (Crash off stage) My land! That 
pesky tramp cat must have sneaked into the pantry again. 

[EXIT d. l. 

Tom (looks at watch). Gee Whiz! I had no idea it was so 
late. I must get a move on and make myself scarce before 
Betty returns to sweep me out. (Gets ready to go) 

ENTER Nancy and Jed d. r. 

Nancy. Where you goin', Tom? 

Tom. For a tramp. 

Nancy. S'pose you show Uncle Jed over the farm. I've got 
so much to look arter in the house thet I can't spare the time. 

Tom. Just the ticket. I can enjoy my tramp and enjoy more 
of Uncle Jed's tonic pills at the same time. 

[EXIT Tom and Jed d. l. 

Nancy (goes about room, putting things in order). Thank 
goodness! I've got a man once more. I do hope he'll pan out 
all right, for the farm's sufferin' for a man's hands the wuss 
way. Thet good-for-nothin' Tim Doolittle, fits his name like 
skin; for it's mighty little he ever done 'cept to blow 'bout what 
he was goin' to do. (Finds a piece of iron ore) Here's another 
of them stun's thet Tom's forever luggin' into the house and 
knockin' to pieces; says he's studyin' gee-ol-gy; but what thet 
lingo hez to do with stuns, beats me. This one can go out 
doors agin. (Opens d. r. c. and throws ore out) 

Sam Sharpe (off stage). Ouch! Great Caesar! What have 
I run up against? 

Nancy. Land-O-Livin' ! I've hit somebody. 

ENTER Sam d. r. c. Limps to a chair, sits, and nurses his 
foot. 

Sam. Is this your regular way for greeting strangers, ma'am? 

Nancy. Massy sakes, no. I found a stun in here and fired 
it out 'fore I looked. I didn't s'pose anybody was out there. 

Sam. Fortunately it hit one of my pedal extremities instead 
of my cranium. 

Nancy. Your what? 'Pears more like it's your foot. I'll go 
and fetch my liniment bottle. 

Sam. Never mind, ma'am. Don't trouble yourself. It's not 
serious enough for that. Are you Mrs. Niver, the mistress of 
this abode? 

Nancy. I'm Mrs. Niver, and own this house; if thet's what 
you're drivin' at. 



Biddies. 11 

Sam. You take in boarders occasionally, I believe. 

Nancy. Thet's 'cordin' to who they be. 

Sam. Well, how about met I'd like to be taken in. 

Nancy. You I Why, I don't know you from Adam, and I 
won't take anybody I don't know, 'cept they bring rec'mends 
from somebody I do know. 

Sam. Quite right, Mrs. Niver; and I'm a brand new speci- 
men. However, I think I can satisfy you on the recommend 
part. Do you know Mrs. Jane Blinn of Boston? 

Nancy. Sartin' I do. She was Jane Sims 'fore she got mar- 
ried. We was gals together ; went to school together ; growed up 
together and got married together. She to Jim Blinn and me to 
Eb. Niver. 

Sam. So she informed me. Well, she's a good friend of 
mine and has given me an Ai. report of you and your place. 
She's my reference. How about it? 

Nancy. There's allers room for anybody Jane sends here, so 
you can reckon on the best I hev. What's your name? 

Sam. Here's my card. 

Nancy (reads card). Samuel Sharpe, S. S. S., Boston. My 
sakes! You've got 'nough S's on your ticket. What's them 
three end ones for? 

Sam. They indicate my profession or business. Just as 
" M. D." on a doctor's sign signify, " Much Doctor ", you know. 
■ Nancy. Dew tell! Waal, thet's new to me; and what does 
your S's stand for? 

Sam. It's a bit of a riddle that I'll let you try your brains 
at guessing. 

Nancy. My brains ain't no good at guessin' riddles. 

Sam. I'll give you a little hint to help you. In my line of 
business you have to be swift, slow and sly. 

Nancy. Oh shucks ! Thet makes three riddles 'stead of 
one ; and I hevn't time to bother with 'em. I'd take you on 
Jane's say-so if you hed a dozen riddles on your ticket. 

Sam. Thank you for your confidence, Mrs. Niver; and I as- 
sure you that my business is also select, sensible and serviceable. 

Nancy. For massy sakes. Stop your riddlin' 'fore you git 
my head all twisted up. 

Sam. Then I'll let up on you, and ask you to show me to 
my room. I'd like to clean up a bit after my dusty ride. 

Nancy. I'm goin' to put you in my north room, Mr. Sharpe. 
It's nice and cool and real viewical from the winders. 

Sam. Any room you please, Mrs. Niver. I can generally 
manage to be comfortable at any point on the compass. 

[EXEUNT Sam and Nancy d. b. 



\% Biddies. 

ENTER Tom d. l. He goes about the room searching for 
something. 

Tom. What the dickens has become of that chunk of iron 
ore? I could almost swear that I brought it in here. (ENTER 
Nancy d. r.) Have you seen anything of a piece of ore, Aunt 
Nancy ? 

Nancy. If you mean thet good-for-nothin' stun thet I found 
on the table, I fired it out in the yard. I won't hev the house 
cluttered up with sich truck. 

Tom. That piece of truck, as you call it, may mean a snug 
little fortune for somebody. There's iron in it. 

Nancy. Fiddlesticks ! There ain't iron 'nough in it to make 
a pot handle. What hev you done with Uncle Jed? 

Tom. I left him fixing up the pasture lot fence. He says the 
cows have to stay in camp while he's on guard. He's a hustler, 
all right. 

Nancy. I took in a boarder while you was out. 

Tom. Male or female? 

Nancy. He's a man; real nice and perlite too; even if I did 
hit his foot with thet stun when I fired it out. Jane Blinn sent 
him. Here's his bizness ticket. 

Tom {takes card). Samuel Sharpe. Now I wonder 

Nancy (sniffing). Sakes alive! I've forgot all 'bout my 
saas, and it's burnin'. [EXIT Nancy d. l., in a hurry. 

Tom. This is Sam Sharpe's own card. I wonder what's up 
in his line to bring him to this out-of-the-way region. Can it 
be the lure of Spook Mine? 

ENTER Sam d. r. 

Tom. Hello. Sam, you old crook catcher. 

Sam. Why, Tom, old man, how are you? (They shake 
hands) 

Sam. What college scrape has banished you to this waste 
and howling wilderness? 

Tom. Waste and howling doesn't apply only in spots. This is 
the rural paradise where I usually spend my vacations. 

Sam. And fabricate those huge fish stories of yours. 

Tom. Fabricate nothing. My tales are plain, unvarnished 
statements of facts, which I can prove if you stop here long 
enough. But what crooked business brings you here? 

Sam. Why do you class it as crooked? 

Tom. Because I never knew you to be mixed up in any other 
kind. 



Biddies. 13 

Sam. Can't / take a vacation as well as you? 

Tom. Nonsense ! I never knew you to take a vacation, 
either. If you should, you'd butt into something crooked be- 
fore it was a day old. 

Sam. You're off this time, Tommy ! I'm on a vacation. 
Chief Ketchem said I needed a rest so he's given me a soft 
snap assignment. 

Tom. What is it? 

Sam. Simply to locate and examine the condition of an old 
iron mine, supposed to have petered out years ago. 

Tom. A played out mine, eh! In this locality? 

Sam. So we have been informed. 

Tom. Then your job of locating it will be a snap, all right. 
It is not more than a half mile from here. 

Sam. You know it, then? 

Tom. Yes. It's one of the waste spots in this paradise ; a 
wild, rocky hill called The Cobble. It is, or was, a part of this 
farm, and it's the dread of this neighborhood. 

Sam. For what? 

Tom. It is occupied by spooks, and bears the hair-raising 
name of Spook Mine. It is shunned like the small-pox hospital. 

Sam. Spooks, eh! Of what variety? 

Tom. That's a riddle. They have thus far managed to keep 
shady as to any bodily showing — if they have any bodies. 

Sam. How do they manifest their presence? 

Tom. By spooky lights, spooky wailings and spooky howl- 
ings. It is the one howling spot in this wilderness. 

Sam. This is decidedly interesting. Has anybody ever 
plucked up courage enough to search for the cause of these 
spooky performances. 

Tom. I've been there myself a number of times. A neighbor 
and I scouted about there last night without bagging a thing. 
So you see what you're up against. 

Sam. Something crooked, possibly, even as you predicted. 

Tom. In whose interests are you working? 

Sam. In chief Ketcham's own. Some of the mine shares 
have come into his possession and he has taken a fancy to look 
into it and see if the thing is as played out as is reported. 

Tom. Well, Sam, I'm inclined to think that there's good 
money still locked up in that old mine's veins. I've picked up 
a number of specimens that promise fine. It may be that the 
spooks are on to the business and are making the place dis- 
reputable to hide their work. 

Sam. Possibly. I'll have to hunt up these amusing critters 
and find out. 



14 Biddies. 

Tom. You can count on me for any assistance you may neecL 

Sam. For the present, keep my real business here in the 
shade. Be mum as to your knowledge of me or my affairs. Act 
as though we meet here for the first time. "There's a reason" 
as Postum says. 

Tom. All right, Sam! Mum it is. 

Sam. Good! Now, where'll I find Mrs. Niver? My room 
appears to be minus soap and I need a scrub. 

Tom. Her sass caught fire and she's in the kitchen putting it 
out. 

Sam. This way? {Goes towards d. l.) 

Tom. Yes. (At the door Sam butts into Jed, who is about 
to enter) 

Sam. I beg your pardon ! [EXIT d. l. 

ENTER Jed d. l. 

Jed. Waal, I'll be jiggered! Slippery Sam, as I'm a Yankee. 
Now what's thet crook doin' in these diggins? 

Tom. Why do you call that gentleman Slippery Sam, Uncle 
Jed? 

Jed. Because it fits him. What do you call him? 

Tom. Sam Sharpe of Boston. He's Aunt Nancy's new 
boarder. 

Jed. Who says he's Sam Sharpe? 

Tom. He does and so prints it on his card. See for your- 
self. (Hands card to Jed) 

Jed (reads card). S. S. S., hey! Slick, Slippery, Scallawag. 
Thet fits him like skin on a snake. He may be Sam Sharpe in 
Boston but out in Toledo he was Slippery Sam with a reputa- 
tion thet wasn't wuth shucks. 'Twas as full of holes as a 
sieve. 

Tom. Take care, Uncle Jed. Go slow. It's bad business to 
blacken a man's reputation unless you have good proof to 
back you up. 

Jed. Jess so! But I know what I'm talkin' 'bout. I never 
forget a phiz arter I've seen it once; and I've seen hiz more'n 
once. He's been nabbed by the police a couple of times but he 
was too slippery to hold. What's botherin' me now, is to find out 
what cussedness he's goin' to hatch out here. 

Tom. Uncle Jed, you're too fast! Put on brakes! You may 
be mistaken in the man. He doesn't look very crooked to me. 

Jed. I tell you he's a consarned blackleg. I'm goin' to keep 
my eye on him; and if I ketch him at any of his tricks I'll 



Biddies, 15 

put one hole in his noddle box, thet'll hurt him a darned sight 
wuss than the ones in his rep'tation. [EXIT d. l. 

Tom. I see fun ahead. Uncle Jed has Sam sized up as a 
crook, and my tongue tied by Sam himself. 

CURTAIN. 



ACT II. 



SCENE.— Same as Act I, two weeks later. DISCOVERED 
Nancy sewing at table. 

ENTER d. r. Betty, dressed to go out in the rain. 

Betty. Aunt Nancy, is there anything you would like from 
Mickey's ? 

Nancy. Why, Betty! You ain't goin' out in this pourin* 
rain, be you? 

Betty. I must go. There isn't a grain of salt in the house, 
and I have an important letter to mail. 

Nancy. Waal, seem' you've got to go; s'pose you fetch 'long 
a bottle of thet new fangled hair ile thet the papers are blowin' 
up. 

Betty. Why, Aunt Nancy! What are you going to do with 
hair tonic? Are you yearning for the long silky tresses that 
are pictured in the ads? You'll be taking to face powder and 
cream next, I presume. 

Nancy. No sich thing. But I've a mind to try the stuff on 
Pup. 

Betty. On Pup! Why, the idea. 

Nancy. If it'll make hair grow on bald heads as they say 
'twill, mebbe it'll make dog hair grow on Pup where thet hot 
soap lye scalded it off. 

ENTER Jed d. l. 

Jed. What'll I do with thet yaller hen, Aunt Nancy, thet 
'pears to hev made up her mind to set or die? She's squatted 
on corn-cobs, old door-knobs, a half peck of onions and 'bout 
everything else she could get under her. I've just hed a skirm- 
ish with her and drove her off a pan of gooseberries, where 
she'd started in to hatch out geese, I reckon. 

Nancy. Can't you shut her up in some way so's she can't 



16: Riddles. 

squat. Mebbe it'll cure her when she finds she'll hev to set 
standin' up'. 

Betty. Uncle Jed, prognosticate the weather for me. 

Jed. It's beginnin' to clear, Betty. The wind's shifted, and 
the clouds are scootin' 'way like army mules on a stampede. 
The sun'll be shinin' 'fore you get down to Mickey's. 

Betty. It's dreadful muddy, though, isn't it? 

Jed. Nothin' to brag 'bout. You ought to see Varginia mud. 
We used to pump that. 

Betty. Pump it ! 

Jed. Thet's what we boys called our marchin' through it, 
Our feet sounded like suction pumps workin'. 'Twas like wadin 1 
in tar. And deep ! Why, Sim Decker told me thet he was passin* 
a slough of it and he saw a hat on top of the stuff. He reached 
for it with his gun, and gosh, there was a man under it with 
his head stickin' outer the mud. Scat my cats ! " Comrade," 
says Sim, "is the mud as deep as that?" 

" Deep," sez the feller ; " why, I'm standin' on top of my 
wagon as 'tis." 

Betty. Why, Uncle Jed! How can you tell such a whopper? 

Jed. Does sound kinder whoppin', don't it? Waal, I've allers 
thought thet Sim stretched the truth a little thet time. 

Betty. I should say he did. But I can't wait to hear any 
more such whoppers or I won't get to Mickey's before dark. 

[EXIT Betty d. r. c. 

Jed. Aunt Nancy, did you know Sam Sharpe 'fore he came 
here to board? 

Nancy. Why no. He was a teetotal stranger same's you. 

Jed. Jess so! And you took him on trust, same's you took 
me, I s'pose. 

Nancy. No, I didn't. Jane Blinn of Bosting sent him here. 
I've known her since we was babies. 

Jed. Then I reckon he's bamboozled her, too. 

Nancy. What on airth are you drivin' at, Uncle Jed ? What's 
the matter with Sam? 

Jed. He's a consarned crook. 

Nancy. A what! 

Jed. A crook, blackleg, bank robber. I seen him out in 
Toledo, where he was called Slippery Sam. 

Nancy. For the land sakes ! Is Sam sech a bad egg as thet? 
I can't believe it. He's too nice fer thet. 

Jed. Jess so ! He's slick talkin' as a book peddler, but slip- 
pery as an eel. You'll believe it 'fore long, I cal'late. Soon's I 
nab him at his tricks. Do you know what he's up to 'round 
here? 



Riddles. 17 

Nancy. No, I don't. When I asked him 'bout his bizness he 
said 'twas a riddle thet I could hev the fun of guessin' out. 

Jed. Waal, 'tain't no riddle for me. I know it, I reckon, and 
it's as crooked as the " S's " in his name. 

Nancy. For massy sakes, Uncle Jed! What's he doin'? 

Jed. Hatchin' cussedness. I've been spyin' on him from the 
start, knowin' his rep'tation, and I've seen him pokin' and nosin' 
'bout Spook Mine more'n there 'peared to be any call for. Thet 
bothered me for a spell 'til I found thet the spooks hev more 
than gas and noise 'bout 'em. There's flesh and blood humans 
hidin' in thet old mine, or I'll eat my boots. 

Nancy. My land. Hev you seen 'em? 

Jed. No. But I've heard talkin' and seen smoke, and there's 
nothin' spookey 'bout sich things, I reckon. 

Nancy. Does Tom know 'bout this? 

Jed. Yes; and the way he takes it ruther stumps me. He 
'pears to think I'm looney, the way he grins when I tell him 
my s'picions ; he goes 'round with Sam quite a lot and I'm be- 
ginnin' to think that Sams trickin' him. 

Nancy. Mebbe 'taint so bad as you s'pose 'tis. 

Jed. I tell you, Aunt Nancy, thet I don't s'pose anything, I 
know, and I'm willin' to gamble on't thet there's a gang of 
crooks in Spook Mine plannin' deviltry and thet Sam Sharpe's 
boss of the bunch. 

Nancy. Uncle Jed, you skeer me! If sich critters are 'bout 
we ain't safe in our beds. Just like's not they'll break in here 
some night and swelter us in cold blood. 

Jed. Not while I'm watchin' out; and I reckon on trappin' 
'em 'fore they do any swelterin'. Just keep shady 'bout this to 
Betty, she 'pears to be kinder stuck on Sam and I don't want 
her worried 'fore the trap's sprung. Now I'll go and rig a trap 
for thet yaller hen 'fore she hatches out suntin' out of nothin'. 

[EXIT d. l. 

Nancy. I declare its sunthin' awful what a sight of wicked 
doin's is goin' on thet we know nothin' 'bout. Sam Sharpe 
'pears to be like a bad squash ; nice and yaller on the outside and 
rotten on the inside. You can't know folks nowadays by their 
looks and talk. There's Uncle Jed too ; I don't know anything 
'bout him 'cept what he's told hisself. Mebbe he's another rotten 
squash. 

ENTER Tom and Rhoda d. r. c. 

Rhoda. How-de-do, Nancy ! 

Nancy. Why, Rhoda Rood! I'm tickled to see you. When 
did you gtt hum ? 



18 Biddies. 

Rhoda. Last night. I came 'long with Nick Larabee who 
was up in Pontoosuc buyin' fixin's for his new house. 

Tom. Nick Larabee, eh? He's a widower, I believe. 

Rhoda. Yes. 

Tom. And is buying furnishings for his new house. Were 
you helping him? 

Rhoda. I helped him 'bout a few things. What of it? 

Tom. He'll make a good match for you, Rhoda. 

Rhoda. A match for me! What on earth do you mean? 

Tom. Why, matrimony, of course, and he'll make a prize 
partner. Not old Nick, or young Nick, but middlin' Nick; and 
a nice family to start with as well — seven children of assorted 
ages and sizes. 

Rhoda. Indeed ! Well, I wouldn't marry him if he had twice 
as many children. 

Nancy. Don't mind Tom, Rhoda; he's allers foolin' thet way. 
Take off your things. (Rhoda removes bonnet and sits. Tom 
gets a paper and sits, up stage) How's things going in Pon- 
toosuc ? 

Rhoda. They're boomin' real fine. Squire Potter has fixed 
up his house with bay winders and a veranda. The Congrega- 
tionalists have built a new stun church, Si Herrick's runnin' a 
soap factory, the town has put up a jail and 

Nancy. A jail. My land. For what? 

Rhoda. Why, to lock up bad folks in, you goose ! What did 
you s'pose a jail's for. 

Nancy. There oughtn't to be any bad folks to lock up. 

Rhoda. Why not? 

Nancy. With Si's soap to scrub 'em outside and the Congre- 
gationalists to clean 'em inside, the Pontoosucans ought to be as 
good as pie. 

Rhoda. Well, they ain't — not all of 'em, so they've got the 
jail; and who do you s'pose was the fust one to get locked up? 

Nancy. I dunno. One of the Congregationalists, mebbe. 

Rhoda. Why, Nancy Niver! How onpious you talk. 'Twas 
Billy Briggs, the man who built it. He went on a spree soon's he 
finished it and got so fightin' drunk that they shut him up in 
his own job to sober up. He tried to break out but couldn't. 

Tom. I call that a good piece of work. That jail will be a 
lasting memorial of Billy's skill as a builder. 

Nancy. Hev Ike Slow and Susan Ould got married yet? 

Rhoda. No. And not likely to be as far as I can see. He 
keeps on sparkin' just as reg'lar as ever but never gets to the 
poppin' point. I told Susan that she'd have to do the poppin' if 
she ever got him. But land! She's as slow as Ike without 



Biddies. 19 

fiavin* his name either. They'll never reach the hitchin' post at 
the gait they're going. 

Nancy. You've been takin' care of Sarah Potter for a spell, 
hevn't you? 

Rhoda. Yes. 

Nancy. What 'pears to be ailin' her? 

Rhoda. Nerves, mostly. She's got 'em bad too. The squire's 
goin' to take her to a nervous doctor in Boston. 

Nancy. How'd she get 'em? 

Rhoda. Her Sam cuttin' up and goin' to the bad, started 'em. 

Nancy. Have they heard anything 'bout him since he broke 
jail and run away? 

Rhoda. The squire heard that he was in Toledo, Ohio, but 
Nick told me last night that he was back again and up to his 
old tricks. 

Tom. Has Nick seen him? 

Rhoda. No. But the robbin' of Hopper's store was his work, 
they say. 

ENTER Sam d. r. c. Stops near door when he sees Rhoda. 

Sam. Excuse me, Aunt Nancy. I didn't know you had com- 
pany. 

Nancy. 'Tain't no company, Sam. It's only Rhoda Rood. 
Rhoda, this is Mr. Sharpe from Bosting. He's boarding here a 
spell. 

Sam. I wish a little information about Spook Mine, Aunt 
Nancy. Have you any interest in it? 

Nancy. I'm interested 'bout the spooks thet 'pear to be keep- 
in' house in there. 

Sam. I refer to financial interests. Do you own any shares 
in it? 

Nancy. I dunno whether I do or not. My Eb. had some 
when they started to dig the hole, but where they be now is 
more'n I know. 

Sam. Do you mean that they are lost? 

Nancy. A thing's reckoned lost when you don't know where 
'tis, ain't it? 

Sam. Haven't you any safe place in which to keep your valu- 
ables ? 

Nancy. I hevn't got any val'bles, and as for them mine shares 
they wasn't worth shucks. You see 'twas this way. Eb. owned 
Cobble Hill and when the mine fellers started the thing they 
bought the hull hill 'greein' to pay part in cash and the rest in 



20 Riddles. 

mine shares. Eb. got the shares all right, seem' they was nothin' 
but paper, but he never got much money. 

Sam. And those shares have been mislaid, or lost? 

Nancy. 'Pears so. Eb. was mighty keerful of 'em for quite 
a spell; but arter the bizness bust up he got keerless, and I don't 
know what he done with 'em. 

Sam. Well, Aunt Nancy, see if you can't find them, they 
may prove valuable to you. 

Nancy. Land sakes! Arter all these years. How can they? 

Sam. I haven't time to explain nozv. But believe me; they're 
worth lookin' up, so get busy and dig 'em out. [EXIT d. r. 

Rhoda. I declare, Nancy. If you hadn't said that that man 
was Mr. Sharpe, I'd a said he was Sam Potter. 

Nancy. Sam Potter! Why, you've never seen him, nor I 
either. 

Rhoda. But I've seen his picture at the squire's; and Mr. 
Sharpe is the livin' image of thet picture. 

Nancy. Land-O-Livin' ! Mebbe he is Sam Potter. 

Rhoda. Fiddlesticks! Didn't you just tell me that he was 
Mr. Sharpe? 

Nancy. Mebbe he's lyin' 'bout it. 

Rhoda. Lyin'. Why, Nancy Niver ! What do you mean? 

Nancy. You said thet Sam Potter hed been or was in Toledo, 
didn't you. 

Rhoda. Yes. 

Nancy. Well, Uncle Jed told me thet he'd seen Sam Sharpe 
in Toledo and thet he's a crook called Slippery Sam. 

Rhoda. Well, of all things! What do you think 'bout it, Tom? 

Tom. I'm not thinking about it. It hurts my brains. I'll let 
you and Aunt Nancy tackle the riddle. Sam, who ought to 
know best, says he's Sam Sharpe. Uncle Jed is willing to. swear 
any number of swears that he's Slippery Sam, and now you 
come to the suggestion that he's Sam- Potter. One thing's sure; 
he's Sam, and I'll let it go at that until you or Aunt Nancy 
solve the problem as to the balance. {Gun heard off stage) 

Jed (off stage). There, you consarned thief! Thet dose'll 
stop your tricks, I reckon. 

Nancy. Massy sakes alive! Uncle Jed's shot Sam. (Falls 
off chair in a faint. Rhoda screams, rises from chair, staggers 
and falls into Tom's arms) 

CURTAIN. 



Riddles. 21 



ACT III. 

SCENE. — Same as Act II. One week later. 
ENTER Nancy d. l. and Betty d. r. c, carrying a tin pail. 

Nancy. What luck, Betty? 

Betty. Poor. All the berry pickers in the neighborhood 
appear to be out this morning. 

Nancy {looks in pail). You've got 'bout 'nough for a couple 
of pies, I reckon. 

Betty. Aunt Nancy, what awful deeds are you and Uncle 
Jed planning to do? 

Nancy. My sakes ! Why, we ain't plannin' nothin'. Why do 
you ask sich a question? 

Betty. I've seen you with your heads together more than 
once, and I'm beginning to think that you are planning to elope. 

Nancy. The idea of sich a thing ! Why, we've been talkin' 
'bout the farm work. 

Betty. Nonsense ! Councils of war 'gainst weeds, as Uncle 
Jed calls them, don't have to be held in secret or talked over in 
whispers. It's something more serious than that. Has it any- 
thing to do with the Spook Mine riddle? 

Nancy. What put that notion in your head? 

Betty. I met Uncle Jed down the lane awhile ago all togged 
out for war and on a quick march for the Cobble. I asked him 
if he was hunting more tramp cats like the one he shot the 
other day and frightened you and Rhoda into fainting fits. He 
told me he was going for bigger game than cats ; he was after 
blacklegs in Spook Mine. Then away he marched before I 
could ask him to explain. Now if you know what's up, I in- 
sist that you tell me. 

Nancy. Waal, Betty, seein' you've s'picioned sunthin' I 
s'pose I'd better tell you now, though Uncle Jed wanted me to 
keep mum 'bout it. It's sunthin' to do with Sam. 

Betty. Sam! Why, what has he to do with it? 

Nancy. 'Bout everything, I reckon. He's a black crook. 

Betty. A what? 

Nancy. He's a blackleg; a crook; and boss of a gang of 
thieves thet's hidin' in Spook Mine. 



22 Biddies. 

Betty. Why, Aunt Nancy! What yellow journal yarn are 
you trying to give me? Sam, a crook! Ridiculous! 

Nancy. 'Tain't no yaller yarn. Uncle Jed says it's true. He 
seen Sam out in Toledo and knows all 'bout him. He's a scala- 
wag called Slippery Sam. 

Betty. Well, of all the silly stories I ever heard, this will 
take the first prize. Uncle Jed's head must be twisted. 

Nancy. There's no twist 'bout it; Uncle Jed's been spyin' on 
him. He's seen him with a tough lookin' feller over by the 
mine and heard 'em make a 'pintment to meet there to-day and 
he's gone over to trap 'em. 

ENTER Tom d. r. 

Betty. Tom, have you heard this nonsensical yarn that Uncle 
Ued has been spinning? 

Tom. What yarn? 

Betty. That Tom Sharpe is a king of crooks and has a band 
of them in Spook Mine. 

Tom. Sure! Uncle Jed spun it out to me some time ago. 

Betty. What do you make of it? 

Tom. I'm not making it. Uncle Jed's making it, and intends 
to finish it, I presume. 

Betty. But do you believe it? 

Tom. How can I tell until I hear the evidence, as Pat said 
when the judge asked him if he was guilty or not guilty. 

Betty. Do you know that Uncle Jed has gone to Spook Mine 
armed with a gun? 

Tom. Well. 

Betty. That Sam is there on some harmless business? 

Tom. Well. 

Betty. And that Uncle Jed is hot-headed enough to make 
trouble and may shoot, should he think it necessary? 

Tom. Well, what of it? 

Betty. Tom Terry, your conduct is contemptible! You seem 
to be treating as a joke what may be a serious affair. 

Tom. Exactly! Well, it's a joke, all right. Wait and see. 

Nancy. 'Twon't be any joke for Sam if Uncle Jed takes it 
into his head to shoot at him, I reckon. 

Tom. Uncle Jed may shoot until his gun is empty but he 
won't do any damage. 

Betty. Why not? 

Tom. Because I loaded his gun. 



\ 



Biddies. 23 

ENTER Sam d. l. Acts as though he had been running. Sits 
and mops his head and face with handkerchief. 

Sam. Gee! But it's hot. 

Tom. What's up, Sam? You look as if you had been legging 
it something lively. 

Sam. What's got hold of Uncle Jed? Has he got another 
war fever? 

Tom. What are the symptoms? 

Sam. He's started a war on his own hook, judging by his 
actions. I was over at Spook Mine talking over conditions 
with the mine expert, when up pops Uncle Jed from behind a 
rock and gets the drop on us with a wicked-looking gun. " Put 
up your hands, you consarned crooks," he yelled, " or I'll bore 
you with lead." Our mine expert, not being a man of war, in- 
stead of putting up, put out, and sprinted down the Cobble like 
a marathon runner, followed by a ball, — I presume, — from 
Uncle Jed's gun and then by Uncle Jed himself. I didn't wait 
for a similar charge on me, but beat it. Now what's gone 
wrong with him? 

Tom. He called you a consarned crook, didn't he? 

Sam. He certainly did; and with vim too. 

Tom. Are you aware that you are a blackleg from Toledo, 
Ohio, and bearing the slimy name of Slippery Sam? 

Sam. Who? Me? 

Tom. So Uncle Jed swears and that's why he's after your 
scalp ! 

Sam. Great Scott! What put that kink in his head? Why, 
I've never been in that city. 

Nancy. Then you ain't Slippery Sam? 

Sam. I haven't that dishonor, believe me. 

Betty. I told you it was a silly yarn, Aunt Nancy. 

Tom. Well, Sam, you'll have to prove it to Uncle Jed mighty 
quick when he catches you, or he'll have your hair sure. 

ENTER Rhoda d. r. c. 

Rhoda. They've caught Sam Potter, or Sam Sharpe, as he 
calls himself and, (Sees Sam) why no, they haven't either. Are 
you Sam Sharpe or Sam Potter? 

Sam. What is your opinion of it? 

Rhoda. I declare ! I dunno what to think. When I saw you 
this morning with the sheriff, you was Sam Potter and you had 
a black eye and a broken nose; and now you 'pear to be Sam 
Sharpe and your nose and eye are as good as mine. It makes 



24 Biddies. 

my head spin to try and figger it out. Why, there must be 
two of you, and as like as Mart Coon's twin puppies. 

Tom. It's a case of double Sam, Rhoda. 

Nancy. How'd they ketch Sam Potter? 

Rhoda. He broke into Mickey's store last night and started 
in to bust open the safe, when Mickey, who was watchin' out, 
jumped on him. They hed an awful tussel, but Mickey got the 
best of him and turned him over to the sheriff. 

ENTER Jed d. l., he covers Sam with his gun. 

Jed. Hands up, Mr. S. S. S. 'fore I dose you with lead 
pills. (Sam puts up his hands) Now, Tom, you get a rope and 
tie him while I've got him covered. 

Tom. That'll do, Uncle Jed. Put down your gun. You're 
holding up the wrong crook. This one is not Slippery Sam. 

Jed. Don't tell me thet, Tom. I reckon I ought to know. 
I've seen him 'nough times. 

Tom. Not as often as I have. I've known him from the 
time we were kids and went to school together. 

Jed. You hev! 

Tom. Sure thing! He's Samuel Sharpe, Secret Service 
Sleuth of Boston. He's here on legitimate business. 

Nancy. Secret Service Slouch! Why, thet's the meanin' of 
them S's on your ticket. 

Sam. You're a bit off on one of them, but we'll let it go. 
Now you don't have to strain your head to guess them. 

Tom. As for Slippery Sam, I think Rhoda can account for 
him. 

Rhoda. I reckon Sam Potter's him. He was out in Toledo 
and he's slippery 'nough, the land knows. 

Jed. Waal, I'll be jiggered. Then I axes your pardon, Sam, 
for thinkin' you was slippery. Here's my hand. (They shake 
hands) But, I'm blamed if you ain't 'nough like him to be the 
cuss himself. 

Betty. Rhoda says they're Mart Coon's twin puppies. 

Rhoda. Why, Betty Barnes, I didn't say any such thing. I 
said they was like 'em. 

Jed. Waal, Sam, it's a good thing for you thet I didn't pull 
the trigger, I reckon. 

Tom. He's right, Sam. If you'd been hit by what's in 
his gun, you wouldn't have known what struck you. 

Sam. What's in it? 

Jed (examines gun). Paper bullets, by gum! This is some 
of your doin's, Tom? 



I 



Biddies. 26 

Tom. I wouldn't be surprised. I wanted to produce all the 
fun there is in the comedy but I didn't want anybody hurt, so 
I manufactured a few cartridges and loaded your gun. 

Jed. Thet's why thet chap who was with Sam got off so easy. 
Who was he, Sam? 

Sam. Another consarned crook as bad as myself. Did you 
catch him? 

Jed. Not quite. He legged it too fast. Gosh! how he did 
scoot. Makes me think of Lankey Jones at Cedar Mountain. 

Betty. What scared him, Uncle Jed? 

Jed. A bomb shell. We called him Lankey 'cause he was 
built thet way. He was a greeney, and in his fust fight. The 
bomb came screechin' through the air and bust nigh where we 
was lined up waitin' for orders. Lankey was so scart thet he 
dropped his gun and scooted for the rear ; but he was stopped and 
brought back. " What's the matter, Lankey," sez I. " Jed," 
sez he, " them rebs air shootin' bullets at us as big as water- 
melons, by gum! One of 'em went right over my head." Then 
he started to blubber like a spanked schoolboy. " Oh shut up, 
Lankey," sez I, " why you're cryin' like a baby." " Waal, I wish 
I was a baby," sez Lankey, " and a gal baby too ; then I'd never 
got mixed up in this blamed old war." 

Tom. Poor Lankey! If a little bomb shell could scare him 
like that, I wonder how one of your bullets would have affected 
him? 

Jed. Jess so! What was you and your gang doin' in Spook 
Mine, Sam? 

Sam. The only gang working with me was Tom and the ex- 
pert whom you scared to death. 

Jed. There was other fellers in there, for I've heard 'em 
talkin', but I never could spy 'em out. 

Sam. Oh, the spooks! Tom and I fired them out. 

Nancy. Fired 'em out! Why, what was they? 

Sam. Harmless tramps of the Weary Willie breed. They had 
a snug little home in an out of the way corner, where they kept 
house and manufactured spooks for the amusement of the pub- 
lic. As they hadn't paid any rent, we were obliged to bounce 
them. 

Betty. You heartless wretches. To make those poor spooks 
homeless and put an end to the charming mystery that was mak- 
ing this region famous. 

Sam. We'll make it famous for something more substantial 
than spooks, I'm thinking. 

Betty. My land. What? 



2(3 Biddies. 

Sam. The old mine will soon be turning out a fresh supply 
of the best iron ore in the country. 

Betty. Is that possible! 

Sam. Sure thing! The examination made by we crooksi 
shows that its veins are still filled with rich ore that will make 
fat pocketbooks for its shareholders. 

Tom. That was a chunk of it, Aunt Nancy, that you tried to 
kill Sam with the day he arrived. 

Nancy. Waal, don't thet beat all! I s'posed the hole was 
good for nothin' 'cept to hide spooks in. 

Sam. Now, you see where your shares come in. I hope you 
found them. 

Nancy. No, I hevn't; and I've looked high and low for 'em 
too. What Eb. done with them beats me. 

Jed. Hev you been lookin' for mine shares? Waal now, I 
bet I've got 'em. (Fumbles in pockets and takes out a paper) 
Is thet what you're after? (Gives paper to Sam) 

Sam (examines paper). This is the document O. K., and in- 
sures your right to a good big chunk of the mine fat for your 
pocketbook. (Hands paper to Nancy) Aunt Nancy, I con- 
gratulate you. 

Nancy. Uncle Jed, where did you get this paper? 

Jed. Thet old scarecrow down in the cornfield hed it. 

Nancy. My sakes. 

Jed. Jess so. The wind opened its batteries last night and 
blowed the old feller to pieces. When I picked up his remains 
this mornin' I found thet paper in a pocket of the old coat he'd 
been wearin'. 

Nancy. Why, thet was an old coat of Eb.'s thet I giv' to 
Tim Doolittle to rig up the old scarecrow with. I never thought 
'bout lookin' in the pockets. Eb. must hev stuck it in there the 
time he got keerless. 

Tom. Uncle Jed, you're an A-No. i farmer. You can raise 
profitable crops even from scarecrows. 

Nancy. He's my good-luck man, and I'm goin' to 'dopt him. 
Uncle Jed, you shan't tramp any more. You're overseer of 
Cobble Farm for the rest of your days. 

Betty. Oh jolly! Uncle Jed, you may still be a mittened 
lover, but you're no longer a homeless orphan. You've been 
adopted by the wealthy widow, Mrs. Nancy Niver. 

Jed. Jess so. 

CURTAIN. 



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PETER PIPER'S TROUBLES 

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law office of two typical unscrupulous pettifoggers, Grubbins & Bundy, who 
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A FIGHT AGAINST PATE 

A drama In 4 acts, by John Rupert Farrell. 8 male, 2 female characters. 
1 exterior, 2 interior scenes. Time, 2 hours. Major Bemming, an escaped 
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marries Alice Summers and lives at her father's house. His former com* 
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them in a new scheme. At the moment of apparent success, they are all 
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THE UPSETTING OF JABEZ STRONG 

A comedy in 3 acts, by Helen P. Kane. 5 male, 4 female characters. 2 
easy interior scenes. Modern costumes. Time, li hours. Jabez Strong, a 
wealthy stock operator, desires that his daughter Daisy should marry a 
fellow-operator, Burton by name. This plan is bitterly opposed by Daisy, 
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through Dana's and Jack's knowledge of the previous record of Burton, 
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WHEN WOMEN RULE 

A farce In 1 act, by Agnes Electra Piatt. 2 male, 4 female characters. 1 
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UNDER SAILING ORDERS 

A comedy In 1 act, by Helen P. Kane. 1 male, 1 female character. 1 
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Comedy Drama in Five Acts. Eight Males, Six Female* 

By Horace C. Dale 

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JOSIAH'S COUBTSHIP 

Comedy in Four Acts. Seven Males, Four Females 
By Horace C. Dale 
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Mirth alternates with deep pathos. Plays two hours. 
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THE DEACON'S TRIBULATIONS 

Comedy Drama in Four Acts. Eight Males, Four Females 
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SLEEPY HOLLOW 

Drama in Three Acts. Eight Males, Three Females 

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Two interior, two exterior seenes. A romance of the revolution 

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A WIDOW'S WILES 

Comedy in Three Acts. Seven Males, Eight Females. 

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